Suzanne O’Brien had a unique window on the psyche of the dying.
She was at the bedside of more than 1,000 people around the world in their last moments of life – from her house to the United States in Thailand and Zimbabwe. O’Brien, an authorized nurse, had an impetus to move into palliative care more than two decades ago and has since worked as a nurse in oncology and a death of death, supporting people at the end of their life emotionally and physically by helping them work on their own sorrow.
O’Brien’s recent book, The good deathaims to normalize the realities of death and the need to plan the end. The book also shares wisdom pearls of O’Brien patients and many common sons shared by people who die – many of whom have “aha spiritual moments” on their lives that can teach us all, she said.
“They started talking about the same things,” says O’Brien Fortune. “Because at the end of life, no matter who you are neither how much money you have. None of this has arisen. Everything was on what they learned, what they regretted, what they did not do and what they were too afraid of doing.”
In an interview FortuneO’Brien develops on three important regrets that his patients had at the end of their life – and how these revelations shaped the way she leads her own.
- I did not experience my goal.
At the end of life, many people share what they did not do but knew they always wanted to do, said O’Brien.
“We are all here for a goal, and we all have gifts, and when we do not share them and do not act, that’s where the enormous regret comes,” says O’Brien. Not “diving into the unknown” or trying something new is a factor of having a state of abundance, she said.
When we consider our sacred and limited time, we are less afraid of taking measures on something that can excite us. “One of the things we don’t know is how many days we have,” she said. “When you feel this feeling, or you have something you want to do, don’t leave your ego, fear of you, close it.”
This does not mean that people have to enter an existential crisis on their goal. Think of an unexploited goal and bring progressive changes in its direction. “If you have done one thing every day towards an aligned lens you want to do, in a month, you would have 30 things done,” said O’Brien.
- I did not allow myself to be loved so fully and I did not like others unconditionally.
Many people at the end of their life regret not being vulnerable enough to be loved and giving love. They often share that they could not reach a level of forgiveness with someone else or themselves, says O’Brien. It is essential to extend the grace to us, to know when to take possession and to release guilt, she says. O’Brien encourages patients to consider the time they have trouble abandoning and wondering if they have done what they could for the moment with the information and resources they had.
“When you wear luggage, you keep stuck,” she says. “We have things that happen to us, and if we cannot resolve them, if we hang on to anger or resentment, or if we think that something we have experienced will dictate the rest of our lives, forgiveness is the transformation tool.”
Finding a way to solve emotional problems and relationship difficulties throughout life can help people establish more authentic connections, says O’Brien. “Do not arrive at the end of life to find the grace for yourself,” she said, and show yourself to the lessons that regret has brought instead.
Therapy and mindfulness are common tools to work through resentment and help establish deeper connections.
- I did not appreciate the NOW
People on their death bed recognize the purpose of life and, sometimes for the first time, the small gifts it brings which can often be underestimated.
The researchers studied this recognition and referenced it in the science of mindfulness and fear, which illustrates that the appreciation of the present moment and the fact of being aware of our environment can calm the mind and the body.
“There is no shortage of moments that are every day, moments of joy and gratitude … Birds singing outside, walking in the park or being able to be in this incredible city which is so energetic,” says O’Brien.
This curiosity and this presence can help people live authentically and rely on experiences that arouse joy.
“I completely changed my life when I started working at the end,” says O’Brien. “Our mind kept us stuck. It’s like our own little prison if we allow it.”
This story was initially presented on Fortune.com
